Thursday, July 27, 2006

It's Not Easy Being J

Over the years I've done the Myer-Briggs personality test many many times. Over time I've gone from a borderline E/I to clearly I and gone back and forth from an "NF" to a "NT" (though I'm now solidly "NF"). Each and every time I've been a J.

You can call me Ms. Structure. Last night I started a spreadsheet of accomodation options for each night I'll be in England and Scotland. Options are evaluated on a variety of factors for easy comparison. I'll be able to relax and enjoy the trip when I know the basic structure is set up. Within that I can be spontaneous.

Today I got an email that has kind of rocked my world. Something that I thought was all sewn up and I didn't need to think about anymore suddenly was up in the air again. All those sighs of relief for nothing. All the plans for the next year up in the air again. My stomach feels like it's full of lead and my head's spinning.

As I was walking around at lunch (this goes far beyond what the emergency chocolate can deal with) I was trying to relate this back to the Sermon on the Mount and the other reading I'm doing. I knew I was reacting the wrong way, but it was hard to stop the panic as one by one things that were now thrown into disarray popped into my head.

I'm currently reading through the Psalms. Perhaps some verse calling on God to crush my enemies?? That would be good. Makes me feel better too. Calling down some smiting definitely perked me up.

This afternoon I've been working hard on some other projects that are on a tight deadline and can't wait for me to get over this crisis and my mind has been mulling things over.

I've always thought of these personality tests as just an insight into personality. When you think about it, they are also an insight into weakness as well. Being so thoroughly a J, I don't do well in rocking boats. I need to know the plan and see it working out. I'm not so much for stepping out in faith. I don't like being in limbo. I like decisions made so that I can close that little file in my brain.

As I think about Jesus' teaching I don't remember a powerpoint presentation anywhere with Jesus outlining a day by day plan to being a disciple. In fact, "take up your Cross and follow Me" is pretty vague. Perhaps He has a website with a more detailed plan.

So, I guess being a J isn't really something to be proud of. Something to help understand my own brain and what will leave me uneasy, but also a reminder of where my faith is the weakest. Also a reminder of how very human I am. Scared in a rocking boat when everything is controlled by He who created the world and controls the seas. Seems kind of silly in the big picture.

Someone needs to explain that to my stomach.


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