Thursday, May 04, 2006

Disconnect

Yesterday I was reading a fantastic interview with Dallas Willard at Relevant online and something in it sparked a thought. While I realize he's addressing much deeper issues, his discussion of distraction and "dropped out-ness" made me think about what's been bothering me about my life over the past two months.

In discussing this, I'm not meaning to trivialize Willard's thoughts. I'll go back and read it again when I'm not distracted and dropped out.

Starting in March I had 5 weeks of a fibromyalgia flare up. Intense fatigue, pain, inability to function in normal life, etc. This was immediately followed by 3 1/2 weeks of a cold (and still going), which has had various stages, but has maintained an inability to concentrate, fatigue and a horrible cough throughout. (Yes Mom, I am going to the doctor this afternoon)

I've been really upset about missing these 8 weeks of my life. I've dropped the ball in so many ways (keeping up with friends, bills, work, church activities) and have just not felt on top of my game. Reading Willard's thoughts made me realize my real frustration is that I have been disengaged from my life.

Take breathing for example. For the last week breathing isn't something I just do. It's something I have to think about. So, I can be talking to a friend, but there's always some part of my mind that is keeping track of how hard it is to breathe, when was the last time I took my asthma medication, etc.

I've had brief moments of focus during the last 8 weeks. Mostly during times of prayer (both corporate and personal), but they seem to disappear so fast. During those times I know what I need to do and am energized. But within hours that dissipates as my cold gets worse or fatigue sets in. It's very frustrating to be watching your own life from the outside in. I know everything happens for a purpose, but it's hard to see the purpose behind doing nothing and feeling "dropped out" of your personal, professional and spiritual life.

I want to live fully engaged and with joy, but I feel like I'm tied up by my physical health.

1 Comments:

Blogger Storkbryght said...

That's quite the interview with Dallas Willard.

"You can't have community without Sabbath."

What!!! Wow.

... Not to trivialize your main blog entry. :) You should definitely go back and re-read that sometime after you're feeling healthy.

5:49 PM  

Post a Comment

Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]

<< Home